by Daniel J. Siegel, M.D., and Tina Payne Bryson, Ph.D., 2011
Danette recommended this book. It’s from a podcast that she and Adam listen to. They already own the book. They’re using the concepts as they raise Eliya. When she falls down and gets hurt and cries, they say, “That must have hurt,” rather than, “You’re okay.” I realized how often I say “You’re okay” when a child gets hurt – “you’re okay, you’re okay.” That totally negates their feelings and probably confuses the hell out of them, because they are not okay. This book is all about integrating the child’s brain: Left with Right, Upstairs with Downstairs, Memories, Me with We. Naming their pain, or their feeling, and then, once they are heard and understood, moving on to the teachable moment, or whatever can help them integrate. Good stuff, but not easy or intrinsic. I would need to review the book again and again until I got it down.
Also, I read this book immediately after reading Cobalt Red, in which is described children as young as 6 working in open-pit Cobalt mines from dawn to dusk. And young mothers with infants strapped to their backs, their heads lolling back and forth, as their mothers dig all day in the hot sun for cobalt. The contrast between our first world country, wanting to optimize our children’s brains to the ‘nth’ degree; while across the ocean in Africa, children’s brains and bodies are traumatized daily with so much brutality, oppression and injustice.
But here are the “12 Revolutionary Strategies to Nurture Your Child’s Developing Mind:”
First, to integrate the Left and the Right Brain:
#1 Connect and Redirect: Surfing Emotional Waves
#2 Name It to Tame It: Telling Stories to Calm Big Emotions
Second, to integrate the Upstairs and Downstairs Brain:
#3 Engage, Don’t Enrage: Appealing to the Upstairs Brain
#4 Use it or Lose it: Exercising the Upstairs Brain
#5 Move it or Lose it: Moving the Body to Avoid Losing the Mind
Third, to integrate memory for growth and healing:
#6 Use the Remote of the Mind: Replaying Memories
#7 Remember to Remember: Making Recollection a Part of your Family’s Daily Life
Fourth, Integrating the Many Parts of the Self:
#8 Let the Clouds of Emotion Roll By: Teaching That Feelings Come and Go
#9 SIFT: Paying Attention to What’s Going On inside (SIFT is Sensations, Images, Feelings, and Thoughts)
#10 Exercise Mindsight: Getting Back to the Hub
Fifth, the Me-We Connection: Integrating Self and Other:
#11 Increase the Family Fun Factor: Making a Point to Enjoy Each Other
#12 Connect Through Conflict: Teach Kids to Argue with a “We” in Mind
In the section on #3, Engage, don’t Enrage, I was glad to read this: “Let’s make one thing clear: sometimes there is no place for negotiation in parent-child interactions. Children need to respect their parent’s authority, and sometimes that means that no simply means no, without wiggle room.”
I remember how the little neighbor boy went from being a happy little boy to a morose, unhappy boy, teenager, young adult, after his parents started making everything a decision “Do you want to put on your pajamas first or brush your teeth?” ad nauseam, rather than just being the parent, lovingly guiding them as they learn new skills, etc.
The chapter on Memory is really good. Our memories are based on our experiences and the order of the experiences. When we finish a ballet class and get bubblegum, that links those two experiences and in the future, when the child finishes ballet, she will expect bubblegum. “Neurons that fire together wire together.”
And memories are vulnerable to distortion – siblings will remember experiences in their childhood differently.
They discuss implicit and explicit memories. Implicit memories can be affecting us without our being completely aware. If a child had a bad experience, if they don’t get to talk through it, it may cause them to have irrational fears. The more you can talk through scary dreams, bad experiences, you will help the implicit memories to become explicit and the child will understand and not be afraid, integrating them.
Sometimes, though, it might be that your child is Hungry, Angry, Lonely, or Tired (HALT) and that needs to be dealt with first: feed them, listen to them, be with them, get them to bed earlier, etc.
Strategy 1: “Instead of Command and Demand, try Connect and Redirect: When your child is upset, connect first emotionally, right brain to right brain. Then, once your child is more in control and receptive, bring in the left-brain lessons and discipline.”
Strategy 2: “Instead of Dismiss and Deny, try Name it to Tame it: When big, right-brain emotions are raging out of control, help your kids tell the story about what’s upsetting them, so their left brain can help make sense of their experience and they can feel more in control.”
Strategy 3: “Instead of Enraging the Downstairs Brain, Engage the Upstairs Brain: In high-stress situations, engage your child’s upstairs brain, rather than triggering the downstairs brain. Don’t immediately play the “Because I said so!” card. Instead, ask questions, request alternatives, even negotiate.”
Strategy 4: “Instead of Just Giving the Answer, Exercise the Upstairs Brain: Provide lots of opportunities to exercise the upstairs brain. Play “What would you do?” games, and avoid rescuing kids from difficult decisions.”
Strategy 5: “Instead of Command and Demand, try Move it or Lose it: When a child has lost touch with his upstairs brain, help him regain balance by having him move his body.”
Strategy 6, “Instead of Fast-Forward and Forget, Try Rewind and Remember: Use the remote of the mind: When a child is reluctant to narrate a painful event, the internal remote lets her pause, rewind, and fast-forward a story as she tells it, so she can maintain control over how much of it she views.”
Strategy 7, “Instead of How Was Your Day?…Try Remember to Remember: (What was the best part of your day? What was your not-the-best part?) Help your kids exercise their memory by giving them lots of practice at recalling important events: in the car, at the dinner table, wherever.”
Strategy 8, “Instead of Dismiss and Deny, try teaching that feelings come and go. Let the clouds of emotion roll by: Remind kids that feelings come and go; they are temporary states, not enduring traits.”
Strategy 9: “Instead of Dismiss and Deny, try using Mindsight to Take Control of Images. SIFT: Help your children pay attention to the Sensations, Images, Feelings, and Thoughts within them.” I like the page of faces showing 15 different feelings: joyful, angry, jealous, disappointed, excited, sad, curious, frustrated, disgusted, afraid, nervous, shy, embarrassed, guilty, surprised.
Strategy 10: “Instead of Dismiss and Deny, exercise Mindsight: Mindsight practices teach children to calm themselves and focus their attention where they want.” Mindsight utilizes what’s described as a wheel of awareness, with your inner being as the hub. Around the rim are different sensations, images, feelings, and thoughts. We can become fixated on one particular, negative thought on the rim (or feeling, image, sensation), and by shifting our focus purposefully to another thought on the rim, a positive one, we can change our mood from negative to positive. So, when I become negative about anything, instead of being “Grumbly Hateful,” shift my focus to something that makes me “Humbly Grateful.” (Thank you to Laura in my Zoom Bible Study class for that saying they taught their Brownie Troop: “I’d rather be humbly grateful than grumbly hateful.” Think about how much Jesus loves me, or Adam, or Eliya, or Wayne, or Danette, etc. and how He is in control and there is nothing to worry about.
In Chapter 6, The Me-We Connection, we learn about gaining personal insight first, a healthy sense of “Me.” Then, in order to be a healthy, whole individual, you want your child to learn about “empathy.” Empathy is “recognizing the feelings, desires, and perspectives of another.” Children need “to be given lots of practice at seeing things from other people’s perspectives, seeing other people’s minds.”
There is a section describing “mirror neurons.” They fire in newborns just a few hours old – babies will mimic their parents when they see them stick out their tongue, for example. Our brains are wired to be social. We can relate not only to physical actions, that is why younger siblings might be better at a sport than their older sibling – they have been watching their older sibling; but we can also relate to another’s emotional feelings. “As we’ve explained throughout the book, the brain is actually reshaped by our experiences. That means that every discussion, argument, joke, or hug we share with someone else literally alters our brain and that of the other person.”
This part is concerning when you think of a whole generation of infants and children experiencing what they experience in the Congo and other horrible situations: “Think of a newborn. A baby is born ready to connect, ready to link what she sees in others with what she does and with what she feels inside. But what if those others are only rarely attuned to what she needs? What if, more often than not, her parents are unavailable and rejecting? Then confusion and frustration will initially permeate the child’s mind. Without intimate moments of consistent connection with her caregivers, she may grow up without mindsight, without an understanding of the importance of joining with someone else. We learn early in life to use our connections with reliable others to soothe our internal distress. This is the basis of secure attachment. But if we aren’t given such nurturing, our brain will need to adapt and do the best it can. Children can learn to “go it alone” in an effort to soothe themselves as best they can. The relational, emotional circuitry of this child’s brain, which needs closeness and connection that are not being offered to her, may completely shut down as a way of adapting. This is how the social brain shuts down its innate drive for connection just to survive. However, if her parents can learn to show her consistent, predictable love and attunement, she will develop mindsight and live up to the relational potential her brain has been wired for.”…
“When relationships are cold and people are essentially distant, critical, or competitive, that influences what the child expects relationships to feel like. On the other hand, if the child experiences relationships full of nurturing warmth, connection, and protection, then that will become the model for future relationships–with friends, with other members of various communities, and eventually with romantic partners and their own children.”
Strategy 11: “Instead of Command and Demand, try Playful Parenting. Enjoy each other: Build fun into the family, so that your kids enjoy positive and satisfying experiences with the people they’re with the most.”
Strategy 12: “Instead of Dismiss and Deny, try Connection through Conflict: Instead of an obstacle to avoid, view conflict as an opportunity to teach your kids essential relationship skills, like seeing other people’s perspectives, reading non-verbal cues, and making amends.”
In the Whole-Brain Strategy #9: SIFT: Paying Attention to What’s Going On Inside, they recommend using daily life experiences to teach your child to know the names of different emotions and to understand them. And, if they get stuck on a negative thought, they can focus their mind on another thought, a positive thoughts. SIFT stands for physical sensations, images, feelings, and thoughts.